Both/And: Notes from a Year at Home
So, a year into a pandemic.
It’s been a hell of a ride.
What started as a moment of market suspension, anxiety and fear about what may come, shifted into some of the busiest times on record in some industries — real estate, tech and alcohol come to mind.
There were many days this year when my mood shifted sharply from deep gratitude and appreciation of life and work to heavy despair and worry about the future world my kids will mature into.
There were nights when I said to myself, “what’s the point?” and sunk into a comfy chair with several glasses of wine while my kids binged Disney+.
There were also mornings when I woke up before dawn to swing kettlebells, meditate and write because I was full of hope and energy for the moment.
There were moments of profound appreciation and love for the people in my life — family, friends, colleagues and clients.
These opposing forces are what led me to my biggest takeaway from a year spent sheltering in place: the realization of “both/and.” That I could feel all of these things on a given day — both despair and gratitude. Recoiling and ambition. Energy and exhaustion.
That there could be economic nosedives and areas of unprecedented growth.
That we could have a horrific year with many senseless deaths and people could still be happy and fulfilled at the end of it all.
The other big thing I’m taking away from this year at home is that when left unchecked for too long, my list of needs will get out of control.
On January 1, 2020, I was a person who needed to get my hair cut every 6–8 weeks. I needed to send my kids to expensive camps and afterschool programs. I needed house cleaners, weekends away, and designer jeans. I needed facials, manicures, and massages.
Like most Americans, I went for most of the year without these things. And you know what? I’m not only fine, I feel like I know myself better. My true self. And my kids. And our habits. And our budget.
I realized that so many of the things I used to spend money on are just desires, not needs. While I don’t feel any shame in wanting or having them, I realize now that they are completely negotiable and totally inconsequential to my survival.
That was really freeing in many ways.
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I don’t subscribe to the belief that a calendar year has anything to do with what’s going on in our world.
Life was always uncertain and will continue to be. I find that to be more exciting and hopeful than scary.
I believe 2021 will not be a return to 2019 nor a continuation of 2020 — but its own thing.
Different and better.
Maybe this is just me being an optimist as I sit in my warm house with high-speed internet, a full fridge and gourmet coffee.
But in the spirit of both/and… there is no lightness without darkness and vice versa. One defines the other.
This year, I’m full of gratitude for all of it.
If 2020 was all about slowing down, staying put and counting blessings, this year may very well be about movement, 180-degree turns, or even deeper recession.
The only accurate prediction of the future is that no one knows…and that life will certainly continue to be full of both/and.
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Jessica Swesey is a copywriter in the San Francisco Bay Area.
